Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Are my feet made of real feet?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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