Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
