When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
