I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
