Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
