he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
