I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
