New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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