I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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