if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
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