My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
