I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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