my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
