Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
If I die, sorry about rent.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
