my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
