...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Randomize
