I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
