Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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