mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Randomize
