so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
