just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
