Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Randomize
