This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
