Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
