i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
