My first STD was from a foam party
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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