I think my fart just growled at me.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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