wat bout pragnant strippers??
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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