My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
