If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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