I just made out with a guy for $7.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Randomize
