you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
We smell like vodka and hangover
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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