Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
