i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
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