I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
