last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
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