Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
