I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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