I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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