My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
