the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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