she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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