wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
