This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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