I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Randomize