Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
