in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
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