I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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