Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
