oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
where are my eyebrows?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
