he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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