I want to walk on stilts...naked
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
