i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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