When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
