A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
