btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
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