my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
His nipple licking is glorious
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